Emotional Consent part 2

Emotional Consent part 2. (Graphic Content Warning)

With sexual consent, when our expectations are only focused on consenting to physical acts, we set women and girls (and in some instances boys and men) up for trauma. When asked, “Do you want to have sex with me?” and the answer is “yes”, the assumption is that you are going to feel a certain way. It might be pleasure, ecstasy, love, happiness, power, or even pain and degradation. What is important though is that you are treated in a way that honours what your emotional expectations are, as well as your partner's.

It is really simple to see this in the context of kink, like BDSM. Broadly speaking, in a relationship between people into BDSM, one person could be seeking the feeling of power and dominance, while the other could be turned on by the feeling of being overpowered or even shamed. There is consent given to be made to feel this way; as the turn on is not really due to the “what”, but the feelings aroused. This almost always comes with caveats of “safe words” and nurturing after the event. These are vital for people to feel emotionally safe. This seems quite simple, but when we translate the same concept into more vanilla sex emotional consent seems to slip out of focus.

A little exercise for you:

Take both your hands and bring them up to the sides of your face.  Take note of how that feels.  Now drop your non-dominant hand back to your lap and move your other hand around to the back of your head. Take note how that feels. Now push your head into your hand so there is a bit of pressure there. How does that feel?

Physically none of that hurts - actually it might even feel good. Emotionally it probably feels fine too. But what happens when they are someone else’s hands and the context is oral sex? 

Giving oral sex can feel amazing; it can be a beautiful loving experience; it can be cheeky and empowering; it can be incredibly arousing. But it can also feel pretty ordinary; it can be boring and uncomfortable; it can feel degrading and wrong; or it can feel terrifying and suffocating. 

It is the little things, like the intention of the person receiving, and how they interact with their partner that will dictate how it feels. The positioning and pressure of their hands, the words they say, the position they are in, all contribute.  

Enthusiastic consent given to perform the physical act of oral sex, does not mean that a man has consent to treat a woman like an object, to degrade her, or to terrify her (unless that is her kink and she has specifically asked for it). 

So, how can you take emotional consent into consideration in everyday life?

Remember that your partner is a person and has the right to feel valued and respected. They are not an object placed here purely for your pleasure.

Get to know your partner. Even if you have just met, put a little effort in to getting to know them. Listen to the words they use, ask questions, read their body language. Always assume non-consent for anything that might feel “bad” until she/he states otherwise.

Dirty talk is the best tool you have. Tell your partner what you have in mind but state it as a question, where saying no or suggesting an alternative is easy.*

Remember that sex is a renewable resource. Just because it doesn’t happen the way you want it to right now, doesn’t mean it will never happen.

Take a critical look at what you want your partner to feel and why the feelings you get from that turn you on. Are you following trends from porn? Is it because that is what everyone does?

When emotional consent is taken into consideration, as relationships grow, your partner is much more likely to try things they probably wouldn’t do if they didn’t feel safe.

*For example: I fucking love standing up while I get my dick sucked because I can watch, but what position do you feel most comfortable in?

Emotional Consent part 1

Most people have some basic understanding of how consent works. Someone asks a question, consent is given with a “YES”.  Voila, you have consent. But have you ever stopped to think about what are you really asking for when getting consent. Is it just asking to do something or is there more to it? 

Consent is not just a sex thing either, it applies to medical procedures, having photos taken and being part of studies. Consent is needed for all these things not just because of the physical ramifications but what the person feels about them. 

An example would be having a photograph taken and shared publically. Doing so has no direct physical effect. It doesn’t hurt, actually you can’t feel it at all, but emotionally it can have a profound impact from pride to shame, happiness to abject fear.  It depends on how the photo makes you look, what does it show, who can see it and how they might react to it. The entire weight of the consent for a photograph is on the emotional consent.

OMG, where did you get that photo of me!! All the embarrassment and shame.

What we often gloss over is the emotional consent component of things like medical procedures and sexual acts. When consent is given it is not necessarily about the physical act, but how we will feel before, during and after. 

A common example of this is a woman is in labour and her care provider asks if she can check her cervix. When the laboring woman consents it is because what she is hoping to feel is reassured that both her and her baby are well, things are progressing and both of them are safe. It is not about the physical aspect of it; she is not wanting someone to put their fingers in her vagina. How a care provider both gains consent and performs the task makes an enormous difference at that point.

It is not Consent if you are AFRAID to say no. It is coercion and the way this works is deeply based in the emotional aspect of consent. 

Going back to the example of a woman in labour, if a care providers says something along the lines of, “I have to do this vaginal exam because the cord could be coming down first and your baby will die if I don’t.”

Consent is imperative in many contexts.

At first glance this looks like getting a woman to agree in order to seek the feelings of reassurance and safety, but in actual fact it is trying to get her to so frightened in her state of non-consent that she will move out of it. Towards any other feeling. She is not seeking anything, just running from fear.  This can lead to feelings of shame, violation and trauma.

Another scenario might be where a woman says yes to a vaginal exam, but the care providers intention is not just to check the cervix but to try and stir things up a bit to speed the process along. Not only is the woman not consenting to the physical act of stretching and sweeping the cervix, the emotional consent for a feeling of safety is completely over-ridden by the care providers impatience or fears. When a care providers intention is not in line with what she has told a woman it can be felt in a very traumatic way. The woman is not consenting to being made to feel like she is an inconvenience, she is consenting to being reassured. This disparity can evoke some full on emotions and trauma. 

Emotional consent can be a hard concept to grasp, because we often don’t think about why we say yes to things. In my next blog I will explore this idea a bit more in the context of sexual consent.

The Break Up

The Break up

It happens to all of us at some stage and breaking up can be as complicated and diverse as relationships can be. Breaking up can be really difficult to navigate whether you are breaking it off, they are breaking it off or you both want to call it quits. The feelings that you experience with breaking up can also be quite varied, from anger and depression to boredom or relief and even happiness. There are ways to make it gentler on both yourself and your ex, there are ways to make it hard on you, hard on her and there are even ways that could land you in a prison cell. Breaking up can define you as a person and if done right can give you the tools to create an even better relationship next time.

We can’t possibly cover every scenario of a relationship ending, but lets look at some of the most common.

When you want to break it off

The non-break up breakup. (Passive)

We have all seen this happen, it is not working but you don’t want to put the energy into doing the whole breaking up thing. You start to ignore texts and phone calls, you stop planning stuff together, you avoid her at school. You just hope that she gets sick of chasing you and moves on.

The Good:

When you both feel that it is not working just letting a relationship fade away like this can mean there are no bad feelings between you.

The Bad:

Not communicating always leaves gaps for people to misunderstand you. Is this a non-break up break up and she is now free to pursue someone else or are you genuinely busy but still love her and would be deeply hurt if she starting chasing after someone else? Are you leaving issues unresolved? Are you trying to force her hand to break it off with you to avoid saying to her that it is not working?

It is also pretty disrespectful to string someone along that you no longer wish to be with.

The results:

How this often pans out is there is awkwardness every time you run into each other, you really don’t know how the other person feels about you and what they are thinking. Do they hate you? Do they not care? Are they hurting every time you see each other?

Without communication in your break up, you might be taking the same problems you had into a new relationship. It is pretty common to see people have the same problems over and over again. They often blame it on picking the wrong girls, Having bad luck with women. But the real problem is a stack of unresolved issues and ideas that they have dragged from relationship to relationship. This is amplified when you choose to have a non break up break up.

She might get really angry and what could have been a simple conversation and a mutual parting of ways could turn into weeks, months or even years of spite, fights and disruption. This sort of drama, “The Psycho Ex”, could severely impact your future relationships.

Other forms of a passive break up include:

Breaking up via text, email or messenger, 

Changing your relationship status on Facebook 

Getting a friend to tell her (or telling one of her friends to let her know)

Forcing Her Hand (Passive-Aggressive)

Being passive is one way to force her to break it off with you, but another common way is to be passive-aggressive. This is where you trample on her boundaries until she walks away. This could be in the form of:

Cheating 

Making unreasonable demands

Speaking to her in a way to make her feel bad, disrespected or unloved/unlovable/ugly/fat

“Gaslighting” (Creating situations where you imply she is crazy, stupid or unreasonable)

Being controlling. Stopping her from spending time or talking  with friends and family. Controlling how she spends money. Telling she can’t go places. Driving her everywhere (See Chapter xx)

The Good:

Again, you get to avoid uncomfortable conversations.

The Bad:

The obvious downfall with forcing someone’s hand is that you look like an asshole, because well that sort of behaviour is abusive and well you are being an arse. It could lead to “The Blow-up” (See below)

If you have mutual friends, you are likely to see them chose her side in the break up. You are likely to end up with a reputation of being an asshole meaning girls in the future will think twice before going out with you. On top of that, these types of behaviours can become habits and you could take them into your next relationship which might be someone you really deeply love.

You lose the opportunity to grow. Without communicating about what the real issues are you are robbing yourself of a chance to get better at relationships and have a deeper connection with the next girl.

The Results:

Everyone loses when you are passive aggressive. It is the type of behaviour that pisses people off like no other. You are likely to lose friends. You will have exactly zero chance of staying friends with your ex and could possibly make it hard to get into another relationship.

The Blow-up (Aggressive)

This is the big one, the huge fight. Yelling, screaming, possibly even hitting. Storming out, slamming doors, raging. Rarely are blow ups about one single event, but a whole lot of little things that haven’t been spoken about. Unresolved issues that have built up over time until one, or both of you, explode.

The Good:

You know exactly where you stand with the other person. There is no grey area of “Have we broken up?”

The Bad:

When adrenalin is high your brain works very differently to how it does when you aren’t angry. You can’t use reason very well and the result is pure emotions of anger and fear. You are likely to say stuff that you don’t mean. You are likely to do things that are overtly abusive and threatening. You are more likely to do things that could endanger your own life or the life of your ex. Like speeding off in a car. You don’t actually hear what the other person is saying.

The Results:

The results of a blow up in the worst cases could be tragic. Ending in you being imprisoned, hospitalised or dead, your ex being hospitalised or dead. But even in the best cases, you again don’t actually resolve any of the issues that have created the problems in the first place. When you attack problems aggressively you leave no space to listen to the other person and no space for them to actually hear you. You destroy any chance of a friendship with your ex. 

A Good Break up (assertive)

It may sound a bit like some crazy fantasy, but there is such a thing as a good break up. Good break ups, regardless of the “why”, have a number of things in common. These are: 

Respect for yourself and the other person.

Having an outcome in mind. This could be anything from remaining friends to not seeing each other ever again.

An openness to learn from the experience so you don’t take old problems into a new relationship.

For it to be safe for both you and her.

How to set up a good break up:

Be aware of your personal boundaries, have they been crossed? (see page xx)

Have you crossed her personal boundaries?

Identify what your thoughts and feelings are? About yourself, about her and anyone else that might be in the mix?

Identify where in your body you feel these feelings.

Are these real?

Could changing your perspective on stuff change how you feel?

How do you want to feel?

Keep in mind:

·      All feelings are temporary! There is never a feeling that lasts forever, unless you continue to feed it.

·      A person is not an object to own. You don’t own her and she doesn’t own you.

·      Breaking up is not failing at relationships, but learning to put relationships into new phases.

·      There is NEVER just one side to the story and you choose to own your part in what went wrong with the relationship.

·      Your end goal is to walk away feeling good about yourself.

Things you don’t do in a good break up:

·      Make threats. Violence, revenge porn, bullying, revealing secrets or suicide.

·      Fulfil said threats.

·      Silence her. This can be things like talking or shouting over the top of her, dismissing what she says with words like, “Your crazy”, “You know nothing (Jon Snow)”, “Shut up!”.

·      Try to make her feel bad so that you can feel good.

·      Make her think it is just a break when you have no intention of rekindling the relationship.

WTF is Cheating?

Cheating

Ok, so we have all heard about cheating and nothing seems to piss people off more than being cheated on, but have you ever stopped to think about what cheating actually is?

Are you being cheated on if:

•   She sleeps with another guy

•   She kisses another guy

•   Your mate sees her hugging another guy

•   She is caught talking dirty with a guy on Facebook

•   She is seen kissing a girl

•   She masturbates without you

•   She watches porn without you

•   She talks about your relationship with a guy

•   She makes plans with other guys and doesn't invite you

•   She starts seeing someone else as soon as you break up

•   She asks you to be part of a threesome or group sex

•   She wants to spend more time with her girlfriends than with you.

•   She gets naked in front of someone else

•   She flirts* with someone else

* Flirting is something with no real definition, it could be anything from talking, laughing with, touching or kissing on the cheek. It could also come to body language, knowing looks, a smile or even showing nervousness.

We all have an idea in our heads of what is cheating and what is not. Some of the list above might seem stupid to you, or it all might sound like cheating. When it comes down to it, none of those things are cheating.  The truth is, there is no "law of cheating", there is no universal truth about it because cheating actually has nothing to do with what the other person does. Being cheated on is actually a feeling, not a set of actions.

There are two reasons why cheating is not a real thing. The first is the right to bodily autonomy. Every single person on this planet has the right to choose what they do with their body, how they want to do it and with whom. Unfortunately, especially when it comes to women, this right is grossly overlooked. We have a culture dating back thousands of years that tell women, their bodies are not their own to do with as they please, they are the property of first their fathers and then their partners or husbands.  If we are striving towards a society where men and women are truly equal, both respected and valued, accepting bodily autonomy is imperative. We cover this more in Madonna and The Whore.

 

The second reason cheating is not really a thing is the fact that sex is not like gold or diamonds or fossil fuels. It is not a finite commodity.  When a girl has sex or gets pleasure from someone else , they are not stealing that from you. The same could be said for laughing at another persons jokes (which yeah, I know that can get some guys into a tailspin of jealousy). Again, there is no limited supply of laughter, there is no threat to you, no theft. You aren't ever cheated out of something when your girlfriend gets pleasure from someone else.

As I said, cheating has nothing to do with what the other person does.

That doesn't mean that relationships become an "anything goes" situation. You do have every right within your relationship to create boundaries and to have the expectation of being treated with love, kindness, respect and dignity. This goes for both you and your partner. This is where adults and teenagers alike get stuck and things can turn to shit. Like when we talked about consent, there is a lot of assumption on what the rules of having a relationship are and often little to no discussion or clarification. It is so important to have these conversations before shit hits the fan; something that might feel like an attack on your dignity, might be perfectly fine in another relationship or even at another time. Talking to each other first means you can work out what you want your relationship to look like.

Well then, what is cheating?

Cheating really is about someone completely disregarding your feelings and your boundaries. It is a feeling of being disregarded, disrespected, taken for granted, humiliated, unloved, embarrassed, violated,  inferior, worthless,  or a whole range of feelings. It is a breaking of trust.  The specifics of how this happens are in someways not important, but in other really important. That is because sometimes these feeling are things you have created in your own mind while other times you might be justified in how you feel. The tricky part is sorting it out into what belongs to you and what belongs to her. Being aware that many beliefs around what your girlfriend is allowed to do or not allowed to do are actually controlling behaviours and can be seen as signs of abuse. For example, controlling who she sees and when. If she is just hanging out with a male friend it is not cheating, but if you are feeling like it is it is a good opportunity for you to look at why such a simple thing upsets you, what are you afraid of and possible places where this feeling came from. It is not ok to try to control every aspect of your girlfriends life and it is no ok for her to do the same to you.  Being honest with yourself and communicating with each other can lead to much better relationships.

Working out your expectations.

We all have different life experiences, beliefs and influences that shape how we see the perfect relationship. In our vision of the perfect relationship, we see how we expect the other person to act and from those actions, how we feel about them and ourselves. Unfortunately this is a very backward approach that leads to so much heartache in teens and adults alike. We need to start at the end, which is how we feel about ourselves. If we don't, then we set our expectations and boundaries up based on fear, either fear of losing the one we want or fear of being cheated on. Life gets so much better when we can walk into a relationship knowing not only do we deserve that person in our lives, but we deserve to be treated well by them.