WTF is Cheating?

Cheating

Ok, so we have all heard about cheating and nothing seems to piss people off more than being cheated on, but have you ever stopped to think about what cheating actually is?

Are you being cheated on if:

•   She sleeps with another guy

•   She kisses another guy

•   Your mate sees her hugging another guy

•   She is caught talking dirty with a guy on Facebook

•   She is seen kissing a girl

•   She masturbates without you

•   She watches porn without you

•   She talks about your relationship with a guy

•   She makes plans with other guys and doesn't invite you

•   She starts seeing someone else as soon as you break up

•   She asks you to be part of a threesome or group sex

•   She wants to spend more time with her girlfriends than with you.

•   She gets naked in front of someone else

•   She flirts* with someone else

* Flirting is something with no real definition, it could be anything from talking, laughing with, touching or kissing on the cheek. It could also come to body language, knowing looks, a smile or even showing nervousness.

We all have an idea in our heads of what is cheating and what is not. Some of the list above might seem stupid to you, or it all might sound like cheating. When it comes down to it, none of those things are cheating.  The truth is, there is no "law of cheating", there is no universal truth about it because cheating actually has nothing to do with what the other person does. Being cheated on is actually a feeling, not a set of actions.

There are two reasons why cheating is not a real thing. The first is the right to bodily autonomy. Every single person on this planet has the right to choose what they do with their body, how they want to do it and with whom. Unfortunately, especially when it comes to women, this right is grossly overlooked. We have a culture dating back thousands of years that tell women, their bodies are not their own to do with as they please, they are the property of first their fathers and then their partners or husbands.  If we are striving towards a society where men and women are truly equal, both respected and valued, accepting bodily autonomy is imperative. We cover this more in Madonna and The Whore.

 

The second reason cheating is not really a thing is the fact that sex is not like gold or diamonds or fossil fuels. It is not a finite commodity.  When a girl has sex or gets pleasure from someone else , they are not stealing that from you. The same could be said for laughing at another persons jokes (which yeah, I know that can get some guys into a tailspin of jealousy). Again, there is no limited supply of laughter, there is no threat to you, no theft. You aren't ever cheated out of something when your girlfriend gets pleasure from someone else.

As I said, cheating has nothing to do with what the other person does.

That doesn't mean that relationships become an "anything goes" situation. You do have every right within your relationship to create boundaries and to have the expectation of being treated with love, kindness, respect and dignity. This goes for both you and your partner. This is where adults and teenagers alike get stuck and things can turn to shit. Like when we talked about consent, there is a lot of assumption on what the rules of having a relationship are and often little to no discussion or clarification. It is so important to have these conversations before shit hits the fan; something that might feel like an attack on your dignity, might be perfectly fine in another relationship or even at another time. Talking to each other first means you can work out what you want your relationship to look like.

Well then, what is cheating?

Cheating really is about someone completely disregarding your feelings and your boundaries. It is a feeling of being disregarded, disrespected, taken for granted, humiliated, unloved, embarrassed, violated,  inferior, worthless,  or a whole range of feelings. It is a breaking of trust.  The specifics of how this happens are in someways not important, but in other really important. That is because sometimes these feeling are things you have created in your own mind while other times you might be justified in how you feel. The tricky part is sorting it out into what belongs to you and what belongs to her. Being aware that many beliefs around what your girlfriend is allowed to do or not allowed to do are actually controlling behaviours and can be seen as signs of abuse. For example, controlling who she sees and when. If she is just hanging out with a male friend it is not cheating, but if you are feeling like it is it is a good opportunity for you to look at why such a simple thing upsets you, what are you afraid of and possible places where this feeling came from. It is not ok to try to control every aspect of your girlfriends life and it is no ok for her to do the same to you.  Being honest with yourself and communicating with each other can lead to much better relationships.

Working out your expectations.

We all have different life experiences, beliefs and influences that shape how we see the perfect relationship. In our vision of the perfect relationship, we see how we expect the other person to act and from those actions, how we feel about them and ourselves. Unfortunately this is a very backward approach that leads to so much heartache in teens and adults alike. We need to start at the end, which is how we feel about ourselves. If we don't, then we set our expectations and boundaries up based on fear, either fear of losing the one we want or fear of being cheated on. Life gets so much better when we can walk into a relationship knowing not only do we deserve that person in our lives, but we deserve to be treated well by them.